But God do I love you!
by Jey1204
Summary: 'I'm sorry that I never told you I love you. For that I'll always regret. I never thought it'd be fair for you to love someone who was dying. Please, stay safe for your family and I.' He dropped the note. "Bella!" He cried in anguish and sunk to the floor
1. Very important Author's note! Read!

Hey guys, long time no see, right?

Sorry for that, a lot has happened recently so I've been having problems writing and such. But now I'm here to tell you I have not given up quite yet! I am currently redoing this story because let's face it, that version really sucked.

I have gotten up to chapter 3 completed, yeah go ahead and say that's not a lot but honestly there are a lot more details in the story than there were before.

Which brings me up to the next point.

I'm redoing the story and it's going to be way different than it was before. The story line's going to be the same and it's also going to contain a lot of the banter I had in it before, but placed differently and such. Not to mention that the chapters should be longer and it also will take longer to go up to the point where I left off, which might not even happen.

I'm just saying that so you don't get confused, I'd read, or at least skim, the first few chapters again. I'm going to post the first few chapters today and hopefully I'll get much better responses from these.

I don't think I'm going to put a preface up because it makes everything much more complicated than it needs to be.

I'm really sorry for the confusion I'm causing, but honestly, this one is _much _better than the previous version.

One more thing, guys, I really need you to review, whether you give me constructive criticism or support. That's what hurt last time was the little amount of word I was getting from you guys, it made me think that really no one cared enough to read my stories or at least leave a little review. Yeah, I get that I sound whiney, but I really am telling you the truth. So please, please review if you want more chapters. Or PM me, either is fine.

Thank you so much,

Jess


	2. Chapter 1: Normality

**_Here's chapter 1 completely redone. _**

**_Please note that this story has been under construction, so a lot of you probably know where the story's going to go eventually, or at least _think _you know where it's going to go, but bear with me. I'm sorry to tell you that it might be a while-or never-before we hit around where I left off last. _**

**_Also note that this chapter is a little bit closer to the first chapter in the last story than the next chapters I'm going to put up. _**

**_Anyways, enough of that, enjoy. _**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in here, I'm just borrowing them for a bit. _  
_**

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_Chapter 1: Normality_

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**Bella's Bedroom**

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A sudden screeching woke me up with a start. Involuntarily, my hand slammed against the buzzing contraption causing it crackle before it completely shut off.

I groaned, realizing that I might have just destroyed my alarm clock.

Squinting at the bright light that was trickling through the curtains, I rolled over to examine what was left of my once fully functional alarm clock. I groaned at the sight.

My brand new alarm clock had perished a little too early.

_I need to get a new one. Maybe I should stick this one halfway across the room so that I won't destroy it next time. _

_Ha! Like that would happen!_

I yawned, covering my mouth habitually, and climbed out of bed. After stretching and some more yawning I slowly, but surely, traveled to the bathroom to brush my teeth and do my business.

I looked like the living dead, literally. My face was as pale as death and I'd bet if I was willing to smell my breath I would pass out.

I shuddered at the idea of having to smell my horrendous morning breath. I turned on the faucet so that I could wipe of left over signs of sleep on my face. It helped, a little, but my face still had that sickly look to it.

I sighed and pulled out my powder and blush from the left drawer of the bathroom.

This time last year, all I would've had to do was wash my face and leave, but now, after I got sick, I needed to put in a lot more effort just to look normal.

I lightly brushed the powder on my face, then the blush and mascara (to make my eyes brighter and less sleepy looking). I also added a small dash of very neutral lipstick that matched my lip color but gave it a less sickly look.

It took me five minutes to put the make up on, but I hated how I even had to put on makeup. I hated makeup with a passion.

I got the rest of the way ready rather quickly, but I still needed to eat breakfast and take my meds before leaving, so by the time I left I had only ten minutes to get to school before the warning bell rang. I didn't even know where my classes were. Plus the fact that Alice was going to kill me if I didn't arrive so that she'd have just enough time to critique my outfit today (she picked it out when we went school shopping a couple of weeks ago).

I grabbed my coat and my bag before running as fast as I possibly could out to my ancient truck. She decided to start today, which I had been praying for as I rushed around my house just two minutes earlier.

By the time I had gotten to school, most of the good parking spaces had been taken up, forcing me to park on the opposite side of campus from my first class.

I let out an angry sigh. I grabbed my back pack and booked it for the cafeteria where my friends and I usually met. I was greeted by many familiar faces as I walked quickly to the cafeteria, hoping that I'd get there just in time.

By the time I got there, Alice was pacing back and forth next to our table that we always sat at, repeatedly checking her gold wrist watch that she got a few weeks ago. Edward was engrossed in a conversation with Angela while Emmett and Ben—Angela's boyfriend—were animatedly talking about who the hell knows what. But Em seemed to be really enthusiastic about it when his hand accidently collided with my shoulder when he shouted something unintelligible. The impact knocked me straight on my back, making me lose my breath.

In the instant I fell down, the conversation at the table stopped. I guess they hadn't seen me at first, but when Emmett started to freak, they all looked straight at me.

"Holy, shit. Bella, are you alright?" Emmett was looking at me intensely, but he was too afraid to touch me.

I groaned and coughed, nodding. Edward offered his hand to me, which I gladly grabbed. I was unsteady for a moment, but quickly I caught my balance. I could feel a migraine coming on, but I ignored it best I could.

"Maybe next time, Em, you should look before you start swinging those arms around." I rolled my eyes at him. Emmett still looked scared shitless, causing me to giggle. "But now you owe me a car wash." I winked at him.

"Are you sure you're alright. You took one hard of a hit." Edward asked, sending a glare at Em in the process.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Don't worry about it. Honestly, now that I think about it, that was freaking hilarious." Edward sighed but smiled anyways.

A tap on my shoulder made me turn around. When I did, I regretted it instantly. Alice looked livid.

"Alice, are you okay?" I asked carefully. What did I do?

"Of course I'm not okay; you forgot the most important part of the outfit! The shoes!" She gritted her teeth in frustration. "Isabella, what am I supposed to do with you?"

I shrugged. I had no answer. She should know by now that flats and tennis shoes were the only shoes I actually wore. The six inch pumps that she decided the outfit would look amazing with were just not my forte and were very, very dangerous on me if I wore them.

Alice continued to ramble on and on about the importance of a great first impression on the first day of school, which—of course—came from what you wore.

By the time I started to talk with Angela, Alice was too absorbed in talking about fashion to even be aware of me.

"How was your summer, Ang?" I smiled at her.

She sighed. "It was fun. Although, I'm a little bummed to be back in school. What about yours?"

I laughed, "Definitely the same. I couldn't wake up this morning. It was ridiculous." Insignificant, shallow conversations, just how I liked them. My summer was filled with many hospital visits and depressing talks about life and death. It was refreshing to have a conversation that wasn't about my lifespan or any of that.

The warning bell rung soon after I started to talk to Angela, making me say goodbye to all of my friends before I left for class.

Class was grueling, or at least the first four classes of the day were. We were handed our syllabi for the year and then began to learn. Most of the stuff was things I had learned from last year, but I could only remember learning about it, not actually what it was.

By the time lunch rolled by, I was exhausted. Not to mention that the migraine that I had felt coming on that morning, was hitting me full force. I had taken medicine earlier, but it only eased the pain slightly.

When I had arrived in the cafeteria, I saw Emmett waving insanely at me from our usual table.

I rolled my eyes, walking to him. "You're stupid, you know that?"

Emmett's eyes furrowed. "Huh?"

"I know where the table is. It's the one that we always sit at." Emmett took a long time processing what I said.

"Someone could have always taken this table." He replied.

"Yeah, sure." I shook my head, dropping my bag on a chair.

"Ooh, look there's Ed and Ben!" He started to wave at them exactly like he did to me.

I saw Ben tap Edward on the shoulder and point to Emmett stupidly waving at them.

Edward took one glance at Emmett before he scrubbed his face and groaned—at least that's what I though it looked like. Ben laughed at Edward's reaction. He walked over to us, with Edward following.

I swear I saw Edward's solemn expression brighten when he saw me. Ben was chuckling quietly and mumbled something to Em while Edward walked over to where I was.

Emmett frowned and whispered something back causing Ben to laugh hysterically.

"You okay?" I asked Edward.

"Fine, now."

I smirked. "What was with that face before? When you were over here?"

He groaned, "Emmett's ridiculous waving."

I snickered. "I already told him he was stupid, but he wouldn't listen."

"Of course he wouldn't."

I smiled, looping my arm in his. I did my best English accent, "Shall we go, sir?"

"We shall." He smiled at me, pulling me to the lunch line.

**School Parking Lot, after school.**

"I _hate _Spanish!" Emmett exclaimed as soon as was next to me. I laughed.

The first thing someone needed to know about Emmett, are the constant shifts in his opinions. He changes from one side to another, depending on his mood and the day. Last year he loved Spanish.

"You guys were just getting the syllabus, right?"

Emmett gritted his teeth. "Nope, we reviewed from what we knew from last year. It sucked. I don't see why Spanish can't be like English and you can have a word for each thing and not have to twist words around to mean different things?"

"Y'know English is one of the hardest languages to learn because of that." I pointed out, making Emmett glare down at me. I would've been intimidated if I didn't know Emmett as well as I did.

"So?"

"So, technically, it's easier for us to learn another language that it is for someone else to learn English."

Em huffed, "I still hate Spanish."

"You'll be glad you learned it." I told him, but he just rolled his eyes. I sighed internally. I loved foreign languages; I always thought it was cool that if you learned it, you could easily communicate with someone from a different country. I'd learn it, but there really wasn't a reason why I should.

"Bella!" Someone sang. I squeezed my eyes shut. _Damn, not her._

Something sharped tapped my shoulder and I winced and turned around.

_Did she have to wear so much makeup_? _I'm sure she'd look just fine without layering powder on her face. And that perfume, she _really _needs to get a different scent, this one smells revolting._

Gathering myself, I said, "Hey, Lauren. What's up?"

She smiled. _I think there's lipstick on her teeth…_

"Um, so you know the Trig homework?" I didn't even have time to nod before she continued. "Well, I don't, like, have the time to do it tonight. I have cheer and gymnastics and, like, other stuff to do. And I know that you, like, _always _have your homework done before the dismissal bell rings. So I was wondering if I could copy your homework down. Just this once?" I hesitated, if I gave my homework to her even just once, she'll become dependent on me. But I doubt she would leave me alone if I didn't.

"Uh, I gue—"

"Lauren, don't you think you can get one of your boy toys to copy off of? I'm sure Mike or Tyler will be more than willing."

Lauren glared at the person behind me, but stalked off nonetheless.

"Did I ever tell you I love you, Ali?" I turned, beaming at her. I gave her a huge hug.

She shrugged under my arms and wrapped her arms around me tightly. "Maybe once or twice."

I giggled, letting go of her. I glanced around, expecting Edward to be out here as well. After the final bell rings for school to end, we would usually meet in the parking lot next to our cars. I knew for a fact that Edward and Al both had seventh period together.

Alice noticed my frown, "He had to do something. He'll be here, don't worry."

_Of course Alice is able to see right through me. She's always been able to…_

I exhaled, clearing my head of my worried thoughts. I couldn't think about it right now. "What did he have to do?"

"What did who have to do?" Edward asked from behind me. I jumped.

"Don't scare me like that!" He laughed. _Asshole. _

"What did you just say?" Edward asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Huh?" I said dumbly.

"I swear I heard you call me an asshole." _Oh shit._

"Um…" _Yeah, great way to deny it._

An evil glint appeared in his eye. My heart started to pound. _I am in some deep shit right now. _"You're going to regret that."

Without a second thought, I took off across the parking lot as fast as I could. I now had another good reason why I didn't wear those high heeled shoes.

The sad thing was I wasn't a very fast runner, but Edward was. He caught up to me in no time.

He lifted me up, poking me in the sides and started to tickle me. Sometimes I would wish Edward and I hadn't been friends for a very long time. And this was one of those instances, because, honestly, I really hated that he knew where I was ticklish at.

"Ahh! Edward…let…me…go!" I said in between giggles. People were starting to stare and my stomach was beginning to hurt.

He smiled but continued to tickle me. "Only if you say I'm amazing and not an asshole."

I would have rolled my eyes if I wasn't so caught up in laughing. "You're-You're amazing a-and n-not an asshole!" As promised he let me down easily. My stomach hurt and I was having a hard time catching my breath. Great.

"You're such a dork sometimes." I said, suppressing a smile.

He rolled his eyes and laughed. "Takes one to know one."

"Ha, wow, I stand corrected. You're a dork all the time."

He glared at me playfully. "Do I need to tickle you again? Because I will if I have to."

I shuddered, backing away. "No, no, no. That's okay. You're not a dork."

He grinned triumphantly. He placed his hands on his hips, standing up straight and stiff, and jutted out his chin in a very arrogant way. "I love the power tickling gives me!"

I tried so hard not to laugh. I mean, I seriously bit my tongue really hard so that I wouldn't laugh at how stupid he sounded—and looked!—but I couldn't resist. I laughed so hard that my stomach started to hurt even worse.

I was pretty sure Em and Al both heard Edward's statement, because both of them were laughing hysterically behind me.

Edward looked at all of us confused for a moment. "Wha—" He stopped, sighing. "Never mind. " He combed his fingers through his hair while he patiently waited for us to calm down.

By the time we were done, most of the parking lot had been cleared.

"I've gotta go, mom's waiting for me at home." Alice said when stopped wiping the tears off of her face.

"Okay." The rest of us said in unison.

"Oh, Bella?" Alice called before she got into the car.

"Yes?"

"We should go shopping tomorrow!"

I grinned about to agree, but then I remembered about the doctor's appointment I had the next day. "Sorry, Ali, I can't. I've got to go the doctor's tomorrow. We'll go shopping this weekend, okay?"

Alice nodded sadly. I would have felt sorry for her, but we went shopping practically every week, so it didn't really matter if we couldn't go the next day. We still had the weekend.

Emmett left too, following Alice in his jeep. It was just Edward and I left, and the way he was looking at me made me uncomfortable.

"What?"

He shook his head. "Nothing." He paused for a moment before continuing. "Actually, I was curious about something."

I raised an eyebrow. "And that _is_?"

"Well, you rarely ever go to the doctor's office, but recently that's all you've been doing. Sometimes when I called you or came over to your house, you were going to a doctor's appointment. I was just wondering what was up with that?"

I was stunned for a moment. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, _shit! _

"Er, well, you see…" I paused, thinking. "Um, well a couple of months while you guys were out camping I started to get these really bad headaches. Well I told Charlie about them and he took me to the hospital in a frenzied panic." Edward was staring at me with a very concerned face. I rolled my eyes at his concern, laughing I said, "It's really not a big deal. The doctor I had diagnosed me with a headache disorder, that's it. I just get a bit sick and headaches every once and a while. She told me that I needed to come in every month or so, so that I could get my blood drawn to test to see if anything really is wrong with me and their diagnosis was wrong. So far, nothing's turned out, and I'm completely fine. I'm just going to a regular checkup today." I desperately hoped he thought the blush that had risen on my cheeks was from the attention he had been giving me and not because of the lie I just told.

He looked kinda disbelieving at first, but then, soon, it looked like he had come to accept it. "Oh, well, I guess. Sorry, you had me worried there. I was a little scared that something was really wrong with you. I don't think any one of us—Alice, Em, and I—could take it if something happened to you."

What he had said, just then, was what set me on the path that was going to destroy me later.

I just smiled and let him believe it, not knowing how bad that would hurt me in the end.

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**End**

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**Please review! Reviews (and PM's) are the only things that actually get me motivated to write, so the more sent in, the more likely I will write :). **

**Thanks to LucyG and HaleyG888 for helping me get back up on my feet, your reviews are actually what got me to write again!**

**Also, thank you to my other reviewers! Y'all are amazing!  
**


	3. Chapter 2: Alteration

**_Remember the whole flashback stuff I put in? Yep, this one has those in it! Plus a lot of other stuff. I'm pretty sure this one's close to the previous chapters in the unedited version of this one. Oh and also this one and the next chapters are pretty sad._**

**_ So yeah. Enjoy._**

**Disclaimer: The characters don't belong to me, I'm just borrowing them for a bit. **

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Chapter 2: Alteration

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**Swan Residence**

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Before I was diagnosed, I hated to ever go to the hospital. Every time I would get hurt, I'd yell at Renee that I never wanted to go. I'd be so bad that Renee had to literally drag me out of the house and into the car to make me go. Come to think of it, I think she might have had to carry me kicking and screaming into the hospital. The nurses freaked out the first time, but they grew used to it. Renee told me that every time after that they'd say 'Bella's here' and the nurses would have a room ready in no time.

It all changed a few months ago. I mean, I still hated hospitals, but they weren't as bad as they used to be. Well, except for the food, I won't ever grow to like the food.

I still hated the feeling of hospitals, but it was one I had to grow used to because I spent most of my time there anyways. But I came to appreciate them since I doubted I would've lived this long without them.

"Bells, what time is your appointment?" I pushed my eggs to the other side of my plate once more before I looked up at the clock. 8:32.

I let out a heavy puff and pushed myself away from the table and got up. "At noon, I think. We need to go now because we've got to check in."

Charlie nodded, grabbing our dishes and piling them into the sink. Normally, I would've been the one doing that, but Charlie and I both knew that I wasn't quite up to doing anything today. I had too much swirling around in my head to focus on cleaning up after myself or driving to the appointment.

Charlie sent me outside with the keys to his cruiser, explaining that he needed to get something before we left.

I started the car with one swift twist and then collapsed back onto my seat. My eyes drifted outside, but I couldn't focus on a thing.

I groaned in frustration. I was trying so hard not to think about what was going to happen, but my body wasn't letting me do anything _but _think about it.

My resistance was pointless because soon the thoughts busted through the weak barrier I had made. As the thoughts assaulted my brain, a few loose tears fell down my cheeks.

What I told Edward the day before wasn't a complete lie. I really did have several tests taken to see what exactly was wrong with me over the summer. But instead of finding the results right away, the tests took a long time to process. And I still hadn't found out what was wrong with me. Just last week, the hospital and Seattle contacted us saying there were important things to discuss and we needed to make an appointment quickly, and so we did.

It was the day of the appointment and I was a ball of worries. I was scared that something horrible was wrong with me.

My eyes drifted close, maybe if I'd sleep, it would be a much easier trip.

I was close to sleep when a tap on the window startled me. It was Charlie gesturing for me to roll down the window.

"Yeah?"

"Do you know where your insurance card is, I can't seem to remember where I put it." Charlie asked worriedly. I rolled my eyes.

"On the kitchen counter underneath the medicine cabinet. It's exactly where I told you last night."

Charlie scratched the back of his neck with a sheepish expression on his face. "Oh."

He ran back into the house in huge strides, making me smile a little.

My eyes drifted shut for a second time and thankfully no one interrupted me. But I did hear the driver's door open and shut and Charlie's familiar smell filling up the enclosed space.

The last thing I remembered was the small bump when we pulled from the driveway before I finally fell completely asleep.

**Florida.**

"_Bella, is everything okay?" My mom asked as she brushed the hair away from my face._

_I sniffed and look up at her. "Yeah, just a little homesick I think." _

_She smiled softly at me and sat on the bed next to me. Her arms wrapped themselves around my shoulders. I rested my head on her chest._

"_It's gonna be fine. You'll love it here!" I nodded. _

"_Yeah, I guess. Thanks mom." _

"_Hon, are you sure everything is okay? I've never seen you get so upset about being away from home…" She trailed off._

_Annoyance spread through me. _

She has no clue what she's talking about! She's been so caught up with Phil, she has no idea what's going on in my life. She has no right to say that!

"_Yeah, everything's just fine." I said curtly. I grinded my teeth and pulled out of her embrace. "Thanks mom, but could you leave? I need some time to myself." _

_She looked at me wearily but got up any ways._

"_Um, dinner will be ready in an hour." She said as she opened the door._

"_Are you cooking or you getting take-out? Just let me cook if you're not getting take-out." I said without thinking. _

_Renee's eyes widen in surprise and then glared at me. "That is no way to speak to your mother. And yes I'm getting take-out. Expect that you eat and then go straight to bed, got that young lady?" _

_Guilt spread through me, "Yes, mom." _

_She shut the door and I could hear her footsteps quickly adding distance between herself and my room._

_I groaned and flung myself on my bed. Guilt spread through me and tears leaked from the corners of my eyes._

_I kept doing this. I kept having severe mood swings worse than I did when I was a preteen PMS-ing!_

_I had been doing this a lot lately, ever since the summer started. It wasn't quite bad at Charlie's house, but that might've been because he was rarely there. But I remembered that I would get angry at inanimate object occasionally and get overly upset when I was reading. Ever since earlier this week my mood swings had gotten much worse. I had accidently insulted Renee more than a few times since I arrived here yesterday. _

_I regretted each and every one of them. _

"_Bella, dinner!" Renee's voice carried easily up the stairs. _

At least she didn't call me Isabella…

_I bit my lip and slowly walked out of my room and down to the kitchen. _

_Renee had ordered some Chinese food and the boxes of food were arranged neatly on the counter._

_I quickly helped myself to some fried rice, not risking a look at my mom. I was afraid that she would be glaring at me. _

_I picked up one of the spoons and started to scoop the fried rice onto my plate. A tingling sensation shot through my finger tip and up my arm and I dropped the spoon in surprise._

_I must have hit a nerve or something. I shrugged it off and glanced at my mom accidentally. She definitely wasn't glaring; instead she was looking at me in concern._

"_Is everything all right?" She asked, her eyebrows were knitted together._

"_Yeah, I think I pinched a nerve while picking up the spoon, it just surprised me is all." I smiled at her reassuringly, but I wasn't very confident in my explanation. The sensation still hadn't disappeared like it normally would; in fact it started to spread through my entire body._

_Panic spread through me, what was happening?_

_I bit my tongue, trying to ease the panic. _

_A metallic taste formed in my mouth. _

_Did I bite my tongue that hard?_

_I stuck a finger on my tongue and then inspected it for blood, but there was none._

"_Bella, are you okay?" My mom's voice sounded so far away._

_I had forgotten that my plate was still in my hands and that I was getting food. _

_My knees buckled and my vision blurred. _

_Just before I blacked out completely I heard Renee cry my name._

**The Cruiser.**

All I got were flashes by that point. Being in the hospital. Needles. Nurses. Blood. Pain. Black outs and random bursts of anger.

Soon, I awoke to someone shaking me awake.

"Bells, we're here." My heart sped up. We had already gotten to the hospital? Had I seriously slept for three hours? It didn't feel like that long.

I begrudgingly unbuckled my seat belt and opened the car door.

I honestly didn't want to be here. I knew something was wrong with me, but I didn't want to know what. It's basically if you don't see it, it's not really there kind of thing. It might sound stupid, but what if it was something that was going to kill me in a week? Would I honestly want to live this next week in a depressed state? No! I'd want to live life to the fullest, I suppose.

"Bella, you okay?" Charlie asked. We were in the elevator now, up to the third floor where the doctor's office actually is.

"Yep! Just dandy!" I said as cheerfully as I could. I must've frightened Charlie a bit because of the worried look he had on his face.

"Are you sure you're alright?" He pressed.

I let out a huff of air. "Yes, Dad. I'm fine. Now let's just get this over with." I pushed passed him as soon as the elevator doors opened. The random spouts of anger definitely hadn't disappeared. Of course, there wasn't anything to be done by that point so I decided to just walk determinedly to the door and hope that nothing else would happen to piss me off.

When I turned around, Charlie had just gotten out of the elevator, definitely frustrating me more. My appointment was in five minutes! I didn't want to be late.

My hands curled into fists while I dealt with my unreasonable anger. I glared at Charlie's slow form as he walked passed me. I felt like pushing him all the way to the front desk in the doctor's office, but I remembered I was just being ridiculous. I had to control myself. This was part of what was wrong with me.

_They'll tell me what's wrong with me soon. As soon as I can calm down. _

I took in a deep, calming breath and stood patiently waiting for Charlie to get to the door. He must have noticed how much I wanted him to hurry up because he sped up his pace and made it to the door not ten seconds after I did.

"I'll check you in, just go sit down somewhere." I nodded. I found myself a seat in one of the corners, as far away as the door as possible.

There weren't very many people in there at the time, just four other than Charlie and me.

One was an older woman, maybe in her late fifties. She was desperately sifting through the pages of what might've been a romance novel. Or at least, that's what I hoped it all to be.

A middle aged man was enraptured with the news that was currently being played on the small television that was attached to the wall on the corner to the left of me.

A couple sat across from me, well on the other side of the room. They couldn't have been much older than me. They were holding hands and whispering to each other.

Envy flooded my system. _Lucky bastards get to have time to be together when I might be dying! It was incredibly unfair._

I felt something warm touch my shoulder, breaking me out of my angered thoughts. It was Charlie; he was telling me that the doctor will call us in in a few moments. I only nodded; I had nothing to say by this point.

I turned my attention back to the young couple. _I shouldn't have been so mean thinking those things_. _They obviously are in love, and they are lucky they found it, especially so young_. _If I live properly, I might be able to find something like that. _

_Maybe with Edward?_

_Crap, don't think about those things! _

My hands started to shake and my heart started to pound. I couldn't think about that kind of thing considering—

"Isabella Swan?"

I looked up at the nurse holding my chart, hesitantly getting up and walking over to the doorway she was standing in. She greeted Charlie and me with a fake smile as she led us to the office we were to be in.

She stopped at the opened door, waving us in. She smiled at us with a somewhat of a reassuring smile before saying, "Doctor Chandler will be with you in a moment." She shut the door quietly behind her, leaving us in silence.

I took my time examining my surroundings. I was hoping that if I was lucky, there may have been something there that would distract me.

As I looked around the room, though, I realized how unlucky I was today. It was just an ordinary office. There were two plants in each corner of the room and the basic color scheme of the office was a dull brown. At the left of the room held a large collection of medical books, half of which I couldn't even understand the title. In front of the desk there were two chairs facing the desk in a very clichéd way, you know where the chairs are turned a bit crooked so that it's easier to talk to both the doctor and the other person in the chair? Yeah, that way.

The plants, a few books and the white blinds were the few things in this office that weren't crème colored, brown, or gold. Comforting.

Charlie collapsed clumsily in the chair, hunching over so that he could rest his elbows on his knees. It was a very out of character thing for him to do. Normally he would have hid his stress from me, I guess so I wouldn't get anxious, but he didn't this time.

And it scared me even more. I knew that I wasn't the only one who was thinking this visit wasn't going to be filled with good news.

A bubble of emotion rose up in my throat, threatening to pop. Anyone could tell there was something wrong, from how urgently my doctor was on the phone. I _knew _it wasn't going to be good news she was going to give me, but I was unsure of how I was going to react.

_Should I react normally if it's bad news? I mean, if she tells me I'm going to die soon, should I honestly scream and cry and tell her she's lying and she's made a mistake. Should I really become so depressed that I stay in my room and cry all day? Is that a good way to live my life? Is that a good way to react? Is that honestly what I want to do?_

_No, absolutely not. I am _not _going to flip out like most people. I'm not going to do any of that, I 'm not going to cry all day and night because that will get me nowhere. I am going to live my life to the best it can be._

The horrible, depressing emotions that had been forming in my chest started to dissipate with my resolve. I _had _to stay strong, for me, for everyone.

Someone decided to knock on the door at that moment.

Optimism got the best of me, right then. I desperately hoped with my whole being that the doctor who was about to walk in would have a giant smile on her face and say that she was glad to have us here, but her employees made a mistake in the tests and nothing was really wrong with me. It was just stress that was causing all of my problems.

My hopes were soon struck down at the appearance of my doctor. She had a very solemn look on her face, her hair was _very _messily put up and she looked like she hadn't slept in days.

My heart sank.

_I guess we were right all along._

* * *

_**End**_

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**_So there's chapter 2. _**

**_Review por favor! :) _**


	4. Chapter 3: Length & Depth are Different

**_Chapter 3's completely different from what I had before. Dr. Cullen does not show up in this chapter, if you haven't noticed yet. Also, Bella's not figuring out how to do the treatment, that's going to happen later, now she's just now finding out (if you couldn't get that from the last chapter.)_**

**_Er, WARNING: sad themes and some language._**

**Disclaimer: I do not own these characters, I'm just borrowing them for a bit. **

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Chapter 3: Length and Depth Are Completely Different Things

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**Doctor's Office.**

* * *

Dr. Chandler sighed and rubbed her temples, a severe frown had been etched on her face since she had come in. She had yet to speak, but all of already knew what kind of news was going to be coming out of her mouth soon.

It was reasonable for her to be reluctant to tell us the news, but I was growing antsy. I wanted her to tell us right then so that I could get it over with, but she was prolonging the inevitable and it was completely unnecessary.

I growled in frustration. I shot up from my seat and slammed my hands on her desk, taking her by surprise. "Tell me, Goddammit." I demanded, seething.

Charlie gasped, his hand clamped around my shoulder quickly. "Isabella, calm down." He said my name with that parental tone that told you to do what they said, immediately, or there will be consequences.

I, of course, in full rage and frustration, shook off his hand roughly. "No! I need to hear it now. I want to know what's wrong with me!" Charlie stood behind me quietly. I was positive he was taken aback and didn't know what to do with me.

Dr. Chandler was sitting back in her seat with an astounded look on her face. The look quickly was replaced with a mask of calm. Her façade didn't fool me; I could still see the pity in her eyes.

She clasped her hands together, leaning away from her chair and towards us.

"Mr. and Ms. Swan, please sit down." She gestured towards the seats we had been previously sitting in before my outburst.

Charlie sat down obediently as he eyed me cautiously.

I crossed my arms and stood up straighter. "No." I said defiantly.

"Isabella," Charlie warned, but was cut off by Dr. Chandler.

"No, it's fine." She was looking directly at me, assessing me and my reactions carefully.

"Please tell us, Doctor, why you brought us here today? I'm sure it's not just because you missed my glorious presence. I suspect a much direr thing is needed to be talked about. Yes?" I remarked, snidely.

She cleared her throat; I saw a small flash of guilt in her eyes.

"You are correct, Miss Swan. There is a much more important thing we need to talk about."

I smiled sarcastically, "Please, go ahead, Doctor. Elaborate." I waved my hand in front of me, gesturing for her to continue.

She sat up straighter, "Well, I am sorry to tell you this, but Miss Swan after the many samples we've taken and tested and re-tested I have come to the conclusion that you have grade three Oligodendroglioma."

Since I was uneducated in medical terms, all I could say was, "Huh?"

She inhaled deeply, her eyelids fluttering as she let out a shuddering breath. "Grade three Oligodendroglioma is a rare disease; in fact, it's the diagnosis of only nine point four percent of tumors."

_Tumor?_

Even though I was lacking in medical skills, I still could understand what a tumor meant. I remembered from Biology that it was a buildup of tissues in the brain, or something like that. Sometimes it was able to be removed, but it depended on the location of the tumor. If it was too deep in the brain, the tumor could not be removed because of the risks that came with that kind of surgery.

And then it was possible for death to occur from a tumor.

I didn't have a tumor, there was no way. I just didn't.

"And it's only four percent in children." She stopped, unwilling to explain any more without our prompting.

"I have a tumor?" I asked unbelievingly.

"Yes, your symptoms and CAT scans prove it."

My eyebrows shot up. My symptoms? Did she mean the mood swings, paleness and migraines?

"What do you mean by symptoms?" I inquired, warily.

Dr. Chandler rubbed her temples again before starting to talk again, "The tumor is placed in the frontal lobe, which is why you've been having seizures, migraines, and extreme mood swings. Um, it is also possible for visual or motor skills loss or the loss of cognitive ability."

Visual was vision, I knew that, which meant I could possibly become blind. The loss of motor skills was losing the ability to move, which was a very scary thought. There was also the loss of cognitive ability which I knew was not only thinking, but remembering things and thinking rationally. Did that mean I was going to go crazy?

The thought broke me, my legs buckled and I fell back. I was incredibly lucky that my chair was right behind me when I fell or else I might have gotten a concussion and God knows I didn't need another thing wrong with me.

"Bella?" Charlie's voice was distant, almost muted, but I could still detect the obvious worry that was laced into my name.

I swallowed back the emotions that were about to erupt from me and squeezed my eyes shut to pull back the tears that were about to fall. As soon as I had collected myself, I cleared my throat, running my fingers through my hair, and apologized.

"Sorry, I didn't expect this…" I guess I surprised Dr. Chandler once more, because her eyes widened and her lips parted slightly, a small huff of air fell from her mouth.

"N-no it's fine. Actually, you're taking this much better than most people would…" She looked me straight in the eyes as she said this, searching.

I nodded, unwilling to make a sound because I was afraid my voice would give away all the emotions I was feeling. My heart was about to break, but I refused to cry and it was killing me inside.

Charlie was standing to my left, his right hand wavering above my shoulder and his eyes filled with sadness and concern.

_She's mentioned the symptoms and the disease I have, but what about the mortality rate? _Tears pricked in my eyes and my chest started to hurt. _Am I going to die?_

I took in a deep breath to calm myself down enough so that I could speak again, "W-what is the life expectancy with…um…this d-disease?"

Charlie inhaled sharply, I would guess because he was afraid of the answer as well. Plus, the look on the doctor's face told me that the mortality for this disease wasn't good.

"Well it depends on the grade. With the grade you have, well, the life expectancy can be from a few years to twenty years…"

My resolve and heart broke right then. Tears flooded out, my body wracking in sobs.

I covered my face with my hands so that no one could see the utter despair on my face. The hopelessness this disease had given me was right in my eyes and I refused to let anyone see it.

Despite my sobbing, I could hear the short puffs of air coming from my left. It was Charlie…was he _crying_?

I sniffed, turning my head to see what was happening. Sure enough, Charlie's quivering form sat beside me.

I felt uncomfortable at that moment. I have never seen my father cry and it was unnerving to see him so raw and exposed. I had always thought my dad couldn't be hurt by anything, and even though the rational side of my brain told me that everyone cries, I still believed it. And seeing him like that proved to me how wrong it was for me to cry in that moment. If I was crying, I wouldn't be able to stay strong for everyone else so that they wouldn't have to worry about me.

I got up slowly and walked over to where Charlie's hunched form was. I collected him in my arms and gave him the best smile I could muster when he looked up at me, his eyes puffy and red.

"Dad, it's okay, everything's going to be okay." I told him reassuringly.

I then looked up at the doctor who seemed to be deep in thought.

"W-why is there such a big gap in the survival rates?"

Then she began to explain about how the treatments given for persons with Ogligodrioma—or whatever the hell I had—can add _years _to your lifespan, but the treatments included chemotherapy and radiation. I knew enough about those that the treatments made whatever life you had left a living hell.

"Now, I'd like to treat you symptomatically first, which means I'll give you a few prescriptions for your seizures, unstable emotions, and migraines and in a few months we can decide whether or not you will go on treatment. Okay?"

I was numb all over, I couldn't feel, I couldn't think. Maybe it was a good thing that I couldn't? I could barely understand the words that had come out of her mouth, so I just nodded in agreement.

Dr. Chandler stacked the papers from my chart together and placed them neatly in a folder. This was then locked carefully into a file cabinet that was tucked into the right corner of the room.

She then smiled sadly at us, "I'm very sorry for telling you this, but rest assured we will use all the resources we have to make you get better." I'm sure she meant every word of it, but it was obvious how much of a lie that was. I doubted the hospital was even equipped with all of the things that were necessary in handling…this, so making me better was practically impossible here and maybe everywhere else.

Dr. Chandler then told us that she would send the prescriptions down to the pharmacy in the hospital and that the pharmacy should call whenever they were ready to be picked up. Then, after one last apology she let us go on our merry way.

The idea of being sick seemed to open me up to the disheartened feeling of the hospital as Charlie and I walked down the corridors of the large building. We passed three families huddled together, sobbing uncontrollably, a woman clutching a man for dear life as she clutched her stomach hopelessly, and many people with dejected and miserable expressions in the waiting room.

This is what's going to happen if I die.

_You mean _when _you die. There's a very low mortality rate, remember? _

Tears pricked my eyes. The doctor mentioned that the only way I could survive longer than three years was by having chemo or radiation and even that wouldn't extend my life much longer.

_Godfuckingdammit!_

My steps faltered and I was about to collapse in sobs, but something stopped me.

Over to the left was a large window opening up to a room filled with rows and rows of tubs. It took me a minute to realize that the small, pink blobs that were blurred by the opaque plaster of the tubs were actually babies.

Above the large window was a quote saying: _It's not the length of life, but the depth of life._

It was almost a morbid quote, and at first I couldn't understand why the hospital would even put that quote above the window in the first place.

I continued thinking about that quote; the words repeatedly assaulted my mind as I tried to understand the exact meaning of it.

I understood exactly what it said: It doesn't matter how long you live, it only matters how well you spend the amount of time you have. But why put it up on a window that showed newborns? Why do something like that? It's almost as if they are saying that some of the babies are going to die, but it really doesn't matter because you loved them anyways. It was both reassuring and depressing to think about that.

An epiphany struck me right then. What if it was a blessing? Of course, the hospital couldn't quite say may God bless you throughout your life because of the many different religious backgrounds people have. But they could still bless the children without saying it. The quote could honestly be saying as long as you live your life to the fullest, everything will be alright.

_Wow._

It was an interesting idea and it made complete sense—at least to me—that it would be above the window now.

_I think I need to apply that to my life. Since I hate to bring any one down, maybe if I can get the best out of my life I will die happy? Maybe…_

During my whole reverie, Charlie had made several tries to strike a conversation with me. I, of course, didn't notice this until he mentioned it to me afterwards and I didn't even talk to him the ride back to Forks.

The whole drive I was imagining ways I could actually find a way to make my disease a good thing.

Trust me that was a very difficult task.

* * *

_**End**_

* * *

**_I wasn't able to really capture some of her emotions quite right. I know she rushed into the hope really fast, but think of it this way. Bella's the kind of person who doesn't want to hurt any one, so by thinking about only the good things and by being optimistic wouldn't that be the only way she could really not hurt people (at least in her opinion.)_**

**_So...yeah._**

**_Review please!  
_**


	5. Chapter 4: Curiosity

**_A/N: Here's the next chapter. Since it's been a while since I updated this is what has happened previously: _**

**Bella has been recently diagnosed with Grade 3 Oligodendroglioma, which is basically a tumor in her brain. She has been told that she doesn't have very much time left. She goes home with Charlie and of course everything is very depressing in the Swan residence. **

**_Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, I'm just borrowing them for a bit._  
**

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Chapter 4: Curiosity

* * *

**Swan Residence.**

* * *

It's practically impossible to describe how the household felt after the news was given to us.

Charlie must have thought I was insane or in denial when I started to smile when I got out of the cruiser the day before. I had come up with exactly what I was going to do, planned down to the minute details. And it only took me four hours.

Charlie asked me what I was thinking. Being the idiot I am, I told him I was going to live. I understood afterwards how ridiculous and insane that sounded afterwards, but at the time that was just a summary of what I was thinking.

Charlie was flabbergasted and couldn't comprehend my emotions at that point so he left me be as he sat down in front of the television watching baseball with a can of beer in his hand.

At first I was amazed at how well he was taking my diagnosis if he still was able to watch sports instead of pouring through every documented research on my disease, but when I found him passed out—undeniably from being drunk since the evidence was spread out across the floor in the living room—I was able to really understand how he was feeling. Hopeless.

The next morning I called the police station, telling the officer on duty that the chief wasn't feeling very good and wouldn't be in until the next day. Then I made sure to set some painkillers and a glass of water by his bedside before I left for school the next morning.

I get that I was acting a little bit odd for someone who had been diagnosed with a disease that was going to end up killing her in a few years, but first, that was a few years away, and secondly there was no way in hell I was going to procrastinate on the plan I had so carefully created. I didn't have enough time to start later.

**The School Parking Lot, Before School, One Month Later.**

I had just climbed out of my giant truck when an obnoxiously loud voice cried, "ISABELLA MARIE SWAN!" across the entire parking lot.

I jumped, even though I knew exactly who had screamed my name. The voice undoubtedly belonged to-

Large, muscular arms pulled me into a tight, rib crushing embrace. He started to sob, but it was the fakest crying I have ever heard in my lifetime. I struggled to breathe as he continued to hug—and sob on – me tightly and as soon as he let me go, I gasped my lungs eagerly taking in the much needed oxygen.

Predictably, my face turned beat red in embarrassment. I swung my arm into his side, causing him to flinch.

He frowned, screeching, "Hey!"

I ignored him, "God, Emmett, could you be less annoying?" He shrugged, grinning stupidly.

"Yeah, but then I'd be less fun." He elbowed me in the side as I rolled my eyes at his childishness.

"So what exactly was that for?"

His face got all serious then, "I missed you Bellzy. You didn't call in, like, ever and I hadn't seen you in, like, ever. I _had _to hug you."

I slapped myself in the head before rolling my eyes again and smiling. "I missed you too, Emmy."

I took his frozen form as my signal to leave. Emmett absolutely hated that nickname, about as much as I hated him embarrassing me. So calling him "Emmy" was a thing I used from time to time when I felt like I needed some vengeance.

I found Alice walking from the main door and so I shuffled over to where she was. The whole time, hoping Em was still stunned enough that he wouldn't catch me before I reached Alice.

Alice was looking curiously behind me, no doubt looking at Emmett.

"Hey, Bella. What's up with Emmett?" Her eyebrow rising as she lifted her chin in Emmett's general direction.

I turned around, finally getting the chance to see Emmett clenching and unclenching his fists. He was probably thinking of a way to get back at me.

I looked back at Alice and shrugged. "I called him Emmy."

Alice grinned and rolled her eyes. "Of course you did."

I heard heavy footsteps approach me from behind, unquestionably being Emmett's. "Bella, that was very mean, you know that!"

I smirked, throwing my hands up in an 'I don't know' gesture, "Whatever you say."

Emmett grumbled something under his breath too low for me to understand, but I could assume it was a curse towards me.

"So Bella, do you think we can go shopping today?" Alice put on a pout face that absolutely didn't work on me, but I humored her.

I ran the schedule of the day through my head, nothing seemed to be happening. But since the diagnosis, my schedule had been hectic and appointments constantly arise out of the blue. "Um, I'm not sure. I'll have to talk to Charlie first before I can tell you that."

Alice beamed at me before she excused herself. "Sorry, guys I've got a retake scheduled this morning. Can you believe it; I failed the first math test of the year! It sucks! Anyways, I'll see you guys at lunch!"

_I wonder where Edward is, he's normally here by now._

Curiosity got the best of me and so I turned to Em to ask him about it but he was _texting. _Emmett _never _texts.

At first I figured what he was texting was important, so I waited until he was done and sent the message. I opened up my mouth only to be interrupted by his buzzing phone. Whoever he had been texting was really fast.

This happened at least three times before I gave up on waiting on him to finish texting.

"Em, where's Edward? I haven't seen him."

I waited a few seconds for the reply; I mean, he _was _texting, so it would take a minute. But the reply didn't come, pissing me off to no end. He completely ignored me!

"_Emmett!_" Em jumped, his head turning to me with a surprised look on his face. I blushed when I realized that people around us were staring at me.

"What?"

I shook my head sadly, "Well, I _was _wondering where Edward was, but now I'm really curious about who you're texting… Is it a girl?"

The weirdest thing happened when I said 'girl', Em blushed. Emmett McCarthy blushed! Okay, so it wasn't quite the full blown blush that I have, but the tips of his ears turned pink and the back of his neck did, also.

The blushing gave me a feeling of power that I discovered his weakness—this girl!

"So it _is _a girl…who is she?"

Emmett rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. "Erm, well…" He paused uncomfortably.

I laughed, "Never mind. I'll leave it be. Anyways, could you tell me where Edward is now?"

"No, um, he should be here by now." Em's phone buzzed again. He looked at me expectantly, as if I was the one who had to give him permission.

I waved him off, saying that I needed to get to class anyways.

I wondered where Edward was, normally he would be here by now and since, according to Emmett, he wasn't doing anything, I was a little bit concerned.

I wondered aimlessly through the halls, trying to kill the five minutes before the warning bell would ring telling us to go to first period.

A scuffling noise sounded at the end of the hall at my right. It sounded like someone was getting into a fight and I couldn't help the want to see what was happening from making me walk over there.

There, at the end of the hallway, was Rosalie Hale holding her brother, Jasper Hale, in a head lock. Jasper looked furious and a little bit desperate while he struggled to get out of Rosalie's grip. Rosalie _hissed _at him and he _growled _a ferocious sound.

My heart pounded in my chest. I knew siblings fought, but not like this. Never had I seen siblings act so animalistic towards each other.

A sharp crack broke me out of my thoughts; I looked at them just in time to see Jasper's hand digging into the cement walls and dust falling to the floor.

_No way._

"Jasper! Stop it! Control yourself!" The blonde-haired woman said with an urgency that made a shiver run down my spine. I had this feeling that if Jasper couldn't "control" himself, then it would affect everyone else.

With Rosalie's words, Jasper stopped struggling.

I let out a sigh of relief when I saw Rosalie let him go. I was glad that they stopped fighting. Siblings who are as close as they seem shouldn't fight like that.

When Rosalie's head whipped towards where I stood, I jumped in surprise.

_Why is she looking at me? She didn't even see me!_

Her eyes widened and she murmured something, gesturing her head towards me. I assumed she was speaking to Jasper, but it was odd that I couldn't hear her. I wondered why that was.

Jasper's eyes locked with mine for a quick second and then said something to Rosalie. Rosalie spun on her heel to shoot him a glare before she quickly began to walk towards me.

A chill ran down my spine as she approached me with a furious glare on her face. My heart picked up its pace, racing in my chest. I was afraid, but I didn't want to move. _Why? _

A cold, hard object collided with my chest, pinning me to the wall. My breath came out all at once as I hit the wall.

"_Ouch!_" I muttered as soon as my breath came back.

"Shut it." Rosalie's voice came from right in front of me. She said this with such malice that I became scared of her for once in my life.

"Rose…" Jasper's soft voice came from right next to her.

I opened my eyes, I wasn't surprised to see Rosalie scowling at me, but what I was surprised about was the concern that Jasper had in his eyes. When he saw that I noticed him, his eyes softened for a short second before placing a hand on his sister's shoulder.

"Jasper, I just want to talk with her." She said over her shoulder, her eyes never left my face.

_About what? Does she mean what I just saw? So?_

Jasper scrubbed his face and whispered something in her ear. Her eyes shifted to his for the briefest of seconds, a frustrated gleam in her eyes. He shrugged and murmured something that I couldn't understand.

"Fine." She nodded and pushed him away with her other hand. Speaking of, I couldn't quite understand how she was holding me against the wall with just one hand.

"I just am going to tell you that you better not tell anyone what just happened or else." Rosalie said darkly. With one last shove (one that seemed way too weak) she walked away.

Jasper's eyes widened as he gave me a short glance and just like that, the hint of any emotion besides pain in his face disappeared. He rushed off to Rosalie's retreating form.

Rosalie's fists curled into balls and the muscles in her neck tensed, but besides that, there was no other signs of emotion from her as she walked away. I suspected Jasper had whispered something to her.

_Well that was interesting._

"Bella!" I let out a pathetic shriek in surprise.

Edward's familiar laugh filled up the hallway almost immediately, making me blush scarlet.

"Shut it." I mumbled.

Rosalie's infuriated face flashed through my mind, reminding me why I was so jumpy and so curious about the Hale twins.

Edward's arm wrapped around my shoulders with a lopsided grin placed on his face. "Nah, I'm good. So where were you? I was looking all over for you."

"Um… I was just walking around…" Edward knew I was leaving something out and he opened his mouth to point it out, but I interrupted him. "Speaking of which, _I _was looking for _you. _Where were you earlier?"

Edward looked at me guiltily. "I forgot to tell you that I had to retake a test. Sorry."

I smacked him the chest lightly, making him, in turn, wince dramatically. We glared at each other for the longest we could (about ten seconds) and then began to laugh hysterically.

The warning bell rang then, forcing Edward and I to part ways. I waved him goodbye with a smile on my face. On the inside, though, I was only focusing on one thing: what had happened with Rosalie and Jasper?

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_**End**_

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_**A/N: Sorry for the stiffness of this one. I'm trying to do better on my writing, and I am, it's just that my passion for Twilight is diminishing. I'm getting more and more frustrated with my lack of need to continue this story. I'm very sorry for that. I'm trying my hardest, honestly. What might go down is that I will complete this story, but it'll probably be horrible since I'll lack creativity.**_

_**Thank you guys for reviewing. It honestly means so much for me. The reviews remind me that people are needing me to write and that makes me want to write. So thank you again.**_

_**No promises this time, but I'm going to make sure I'll update this story again soon. **_

_**-Jess**_


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